The Three Companions
by LLew14
Summary: A small book club tumbles into Middle-Earth
1. Dr Greyham

Three young folk sat in a dim corner of a musty library. To an outsider the gathering could best be described as some sort of book club consisting of a woman with a full head of bright red hair dressed as a hippie backpacker. Another woman with generous curly, black locks sporting shiny black boots, a black blouse, and red skinny jeans sat in an armchair next to the redhead. The last companion was a handsome young man with an olive complexion, dark wavy hair, and dark eyes accentuated by a generous amount of guyliner. They were in the middle of discussing Victor Hugo's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"Soooooooooo, who wants to start? I hope everyone actually read it this time." Lilliane eyed her two colleagues suspiciously.

Rob snorted as he cleaned his nails. "I read 'Notre Dame de Paris' when I was twelve."

"Very well, Roberto." Lil rolled her eyes at him. "Then you go first."

"Fine. If you were Esmeralda who would you choose; Phoebus, Frolo, Quasimodo, or Gringoire? Lil, you go first"

"Um. Ok. Interesting question." Lil started "Well, personally I've always been a stickler for those poetic types so probably Gringoire."

"Really?" Rob looked unimpressed "I personally like Frolo's whole be-mine-or-no-one-shall-have-you vibe."

"I too am a lush for sadomasochism." the redhead finally engaged in the conversation. "but what you fail to take into account, Rob, is the fact that Frolo being a man of the cloth is undoubtedly underexperienced in the bedroom. Therefore, I would have to agree with Lil. Gringoire loves her enough to try to save her but you can tell he's been around the block all the same."

"Duly noted, Gwen." Rob's black eyebrows shot to his hairline, no doubt mentally kicking himself. HE was supposed to be the overly sexual companion.

"I really hope Dr. Greyham can't hear this conversation." Lil looked about for the aged librarian.

"If Dr. Greyham was anywhere near us we'd know. Anyone can smell that Chronic from a mile away." Gwen concluded "Besides, Dr. Greyham is one chill chap."

"I do so appreciate the compliment, Ms. Daron." A voice boomed behind the group. Lil gave her companions a look that said I told you so much louder than her voice could have. "I can also assure you that I smoke only tabacco."

At this point the whole group pulled their best riiiiiiiiiiight faces.

"What's up, Dr. Greyham?" Lil piped up. "Why, the ceiling, my dear. And the sky, I suppose. Quite a number of things are up depending on where you're looking from." The group rolled their eyes simultaneously. Dr. Greyham was very fond of making riddles out of everyday questions. "I have a question for you three. Would you care to go on a little adventure?"

"What does that exactly entail?" Lil asked.

"Well, you are aware of the forest behind this building I do trust?"

They all nodded.

"Would you do an old man a favor and gather some mushrooms? I usually do it myself but the damp has made me especially achy this morning. They have tan tops and a spongy-"

"I know the ones Mr. Greyham! We'd be happy to get them for you." Gwen was the resident wild woman. She spent a good deal of her childhood learning about the outdoors from her southern relatives.

"Splendid!"

"I bet this is where he grows his weed." Lil muttered, scanning the ground for any of the tan-topped mushrooms. Dr. Greyham had given them three cloth sacks with which the were to store the mushrooms. "Plastic makes them mold." Gwen had explained.

"LOOK!" Lil practically squealed with excitement. "It's a fairy ring!"

Roberto and Gwen turned their attention to where Lil danced with excitement. Indeed, there next to Lil, was a near perfect circle of mushrooms.

"Looks like our job here is finished." Roberto stated, clearly unimpressed.

"What are you doing!?" Lil nearly cried as Gwen and Rob began ripping the mushrooms out of the ground and placing them into the cloth sacks.

"C'mon, Lil." Rob chided "This is enough mushrooms to last Greyham weeks."

Lil stood by and pouted as Gwen and Roberto cleared up the last of the circle.

"That'll do it. Lets get out of here. Gwen, lead the way!" Rob stared at her expectantly. Gwen stared blankly around her. "I-I don't know which way to go. It looks . . . Different.

"What!? Gwen! You've never been lost in a forest!" Rob exclaimed, panic setting in.

"Well, I don't see you exactly spreading fucking bread crumbs!"

"The birds would eat them anyway!"

"GUYS!" Lil barked.

"Chill. Just chiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllll. This forest isn't very big. The highway runs right behind it so if we keep walking we'll eventually run out of forest. Ok? Lets go." Rob and Gwen obediently trudged behind Lil, muttering insults at each other as they moved through the woods.

Three hours later the group reached the edge of the woods only to find themselves more bewildered then they had been. "Where on Allah's green earth . . .?" Gwen trailed off.

"Where the fuck are we?" Rob voiced what everyone was thinking.

"I mean, where the actual fuck?" Each of them took in the green landscape and rolling hills fairly sure they were no longer in Pennsylvania.

"What is that noise?" Lil asked as what sounded like the clip-clop of hooves drew closer to them.

Soon, a wagon drawn by a single irritated looking donkey came into sight.

"Oh!" Lil exclaimed "How did we end up in Amish country?"

"Excuse me!" Gwen waved her arms as the coach pulled the rains.

"G'day, Miss!"

"Yes. Uh, hi. Would you happen to know where the Orthancy library is?" Lil asked the man.

The man furrowed his brow. "I know where Orthanc is, if that's what you mean. O' course, round here we call it Isenguard. Is that where you're meanin' to go young ones?"

"Uh. Yeah. Ok. Sure. Orthanc, whatever. Can you tell us how to get there?"

"I couldn't get you all the way, but I can start you off! You'll be wantin' to head down this here road. Keep south."

"Thank you, very much. Do you know where I can find a bus station?"

The mans looked bewildered. "A . . . Bus station?" He reiterated slowly.

"Or maybe you know the number of the Taxi service, my Uber app isn't really working right now."

The man's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline.

"Taxi? Uber?"

"Nevermind. Thank you. Bye." Rob grabbed his companions and steered them down the road.

"I don't understand." Lil lamented "Why did he look so confused?"

"Hello!" Rob hissed "Amish! They don't really believe in that kind of thing, do they?"

"I guess." Lil muttered


	2. Finding the Doctor

"Okay, guys. I don't know where we are but I don't recognize any of this and It's getting dark." Gwen looked worried.

"I don't either but unless you want to camp out here we're just going to have to keep on this road till we reach civilization."

"Ok!" Gwen looked ready to roll out her nonexistent bedroll and settle down for the night.

"NO!" Lil shouted. Gwen looked crestfallen.

"Hey! Look! Lights!" Rob shouted. The group scurried towards what looked like a medieval village.

As the companions bounded into the town they stopped at what they supposed to be some sort of hotel. It was called the Prancing Pony.

"Oh. This place is chilllllll." Gwen affirmed her liking of it as soon as she entered the foyer.

It was a slow night and there were but few people who were quietly occupying themselves with tobacco pipes.

"Can I help you." The bartender looked at them queerly as he leaned over the bar.

"What can we get for thirty dollars?" Lil held out their crumpled bills to the bartender.

He glanced at her bills, sympathetically.

"You can have what's leftover from supper and a small room for the night. On the house."

"But we hav-" Lil began before Gwen cut her off.

"Groovy, man. We'll get you back."

The bartender's eyes followed them with a perplexed look as they seated themselves at a small wooden table.

"Gwen, that sort of vocabulary is outdated even for these Amish fellows." Rob chided her.

"There is no situation in which the word groovy is not acceptable, Rob." Gwen retorted.

"It's is all Greyham's fault!" Lil burst out. Lil was tired, dirty, and on the verge of a total breakdown. Plus she had an 8:00 am tomorrow that she could not afford to miss.

"Greyhem?" The bartend had come with their food. "You wouldn't mean Gandalf Greyhem, now would you?"

"Uh, I never asked his first name. Do you know him?" Lil asked hopefully.

"Of course, he left this morning with a company of dwarves." The bartender replied with a perfectly straight face.

"I'm sorry. Did you just say he was with a company of dwarves?"

"Thirteen of them, Miss."

"Knowing Greyham this somehow does not surprise me." Rob rolled his eyes.

"Where did he go?" Gwen asked.

"I didn't think to ask him where he was going. He headed down the east road when he left. Are you friends of his?"

"You could say that." Lil grumbled.

The following morning the companions found themselves dressed as medieval barmaids (with the exception of Rob who looked more like a hot medieval stable boy) as they headed off down the "East road" determined to find Dr. Greyham and have him answer for not phoning the police as soon as he realized they were missing.

"Maybe he forgot. Could be getting senile, you know." Lil reasoned.

"Greyham? Senile?" Rob snorted "If he can remember exactly where in that huge library the Kama Sutra is without using the computer, then he can remember that he sent three college students out to pick shrooms for him."

"How the fuck do you know that he knows-" Gwen started

"Because I asked him for it." Rob cut her off.

"Figures." Gwen snorted

The companions became concerned as the sun began to drop over the tree line.

"I do believe that we are lost again." Rob stated.

"fuck. Fuck. FUCK. MUTHERFUCKER!" Lil stomped at the ground.

"Chill, Lil. We cant travel the woods in the dark. We've got to camp." Rob reasoned.

"Oh goody!" Gwen giggled. "Lets find an ideal spot!" Gwen leapt into the trees as Lil and Rob trudged after her.

"Lil! Rob! Come here!" Gwen called. Rob and Lil swatted at branches as they came to Gwen who stood in front of a small broken down cottage.

"Look! The fire's still warm! And there's packs! Someone must be camping here."

"Ok." Rob looked around for any sign of life. "Well, I guess we'll just wait for them."

Lil looked hungerly at the empty bedrolls. Suddenly she dove into one covering her self with the thick fur coat lying across it.

"lil!" Gwen gasped "What are you doing! Those arent your thing!"

"Gwen!" Lil started with surprise. "I found something! It seems to be a box. It's full of I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck!"

"I concur." Rob stated as he wrapped himself in a small bedroll. Gwen sighed tiredly and followed suit.

"Well hellooooooooo there." Gwen was awakened by an unfamiliar voice.

"Women." Someone snorted "They just cant keep themselves out of our beds." Gwen sat up indignantly. A look of bewilderment crossed her face as she was confronted by a live action Loreal commercial. Standing in front of her were two incredibly handsome and magnificently maned . . . . Dwarved?

"Lil?" Gwen shook her companion, keeping an eye on the walking Pantene promos.

Lil sat up, looking around groggily.

"I believe we're being hit on by dwarves."

"Oh no, Milady! We have no intention of harming you!" The blond interjected.

Lil giggled after her initial look of bemusement.

"It's like the time we tried to teach Roberto's cousin English pick up lines."

The two dwarves looked extremely confused.

"We're very sorry." Lil started "We got lost and we saw someone had camped here so we thought we'd wait until you came back and . . . And we kind of just fell asleep."

"Well, I never object to finding a pretty woman in my bed." The brunette winked at Lil, who blushed deep red.

"Kili, I seemed to have dropped my tobacco pouch. Would you happen to know-" The speaker stopped short.

"DR GREYHAM!" The three of them jumped up angerly.

"Oh! So you made it! Goody." Greyham looked at them expectantly.

"Made it!? Where in Vishnu's infinite realms are we!" Gwen exclaimed angerly.

"Ah. Yes. Welcome to Middle Earth! I believe you brought dinner, no?"


	3. Both Sides of the Bread

The three companions grumbled as they tried to digest everything Dr. Greyham had told them . . . that and the mushroom stew.

"Tricked us into a magic realm." Lil muttered.

"Sent us on a wild goose chase." Gwen hissed.

"All because he thought we were boring!" Rob stood up.

"That's it. I'm leaving!" Lil and Gwen shot up.

"We're leaving." Lil corrected.

"I don't know how to get back to Glenmore but we'll find a way or die trying!" Gwen huffed at Greyham.

"Oh." Greyham looked down. "Such a shame . . . I needed you three to go on little quest for me . . ."

"OH! OF COURSE WE'LL GO ON A SUICIDE MISSION FOR YOU, DR!" Lil shouted.

"With Fili and Kili as your guides of course." Greyham put in.

Lil eyed the young dwarves.

"Well . . ." Lil started

"I mean . . ." Gwen considered it.

Kili pulled his best puppy dog face at the hesitant women.

"Ah, why the hell not!" Lil exclaimed.

Rob rolled his eyes.

"I guess I'll have to come to make sure you two don't take advantage of them." Rob sighed

Fili and Kili looked indignant "We would never-" They began.

"I wasn't talking to you."

Fili and Kili snickered.

"I mean, I wouldn't say never . . ." Kili winked in Lil's direction.

"Splendid then!" Greyham stood up. "I should introduce you three to the company."

Greyham began to point at dwarves and spin off strange names, many of which rhymed.

"And this is Lilliane of Tonga, Gwenyth of Tennessee, and Roberto of Sonora."

The dwarves bowed to them simultaneously.

"You will travel with the company as far as Riven- ah, I mean . . . Places." Greyham briefed them on their quest.

"Oh. That was so enlightening." Gwen snorted.

"How are we supposed to go on this quest for you when we don't even know when or where we're going?" Lil asked, clearly annoyed.

"All in good time." Was all Greyham said as he loaded his pipe.

The three of them sighed.

The following morning the three companions set off with the rest of the company, hardly believing they had agreed to this insane excursion. They had not been on the march two hours before Greyham decided to switch things up on them.

"Things have changed." Greyham started as he approached them. "When we stop to rest the five of you will go leave the group and continue on with Fili and Kili."

"Of course, your royal pain in the-" Gwen grumbled.

As soon as they stopped for lunch Fili and Kili began distributing some of their packs to other members of the company.

''You will need to travel with speed and too much luggage will weight you down.'' Greyham explained.

The now five companions said their goodbyes to the company and set off on their own.

Gwen danced along the side of the dwarves chatting away as Lil and Rob struggled to keep pace.

Kili fell back falling in pace with Lil.

"So do you and Roberto hail from Haradwaith?"

Lil looked at him in utter bemusement. What the fuck was Haradwaith?

"It's just . . . You're a bit dark to hail north of Gondor."

"First of all." Lil started. "Roberto is MEXICAN from MEXICO. I am TONGAN from TONGA. Roberto and I are from two completely separate countries."

"I did not mean to offend . . ." Kili looked downcast.

"No, of course you wouldn't know." Lil sighed.

Kili looked up. "Tell me about this Tonga."

"Well my family left when I was very small. I don't remember much about it. It's a small island country." Lil confessed

"Do you ever want to return." Kili asked, concern in his eyes.

"Maybe one day." Lil sighed. Lil was too practical for that. Living on an island was not cheap and Lil wasn't the gardening type. Still, she missed the culture, the life, the feeling of family among the natives. Pennsylvanians seemed dead next to the lively Island people.

"Where are you from." Lil forced herself out of her reverie.

Kili brightened. "I'm from Ered Luin. The Blue mountains. But in my heart Erebor will always be home." Kili confided.

Lil could identify with that. All of them could. Lil always felt the cultural void the mainland left in her soul, the yearning for her island home. Lil thought about Gwen and Roberto.

Gwen's family had moved about quite a bit. Gwen's family was southern but they had spent a good deal of Gwen's childhood on the west coast and then in New England. As a result, when they returned to the south Gwen found it hard to fit in. As she reached adulthood Gwen travelled about the states trying to find her place. After years of southern hospitality the west coast felt to rude to her. The New Englanders dubbed her a Hillbilly, while the southerners called her a yankee. Home was a conditional place for Gwen.

Roberto fared no better. Raised on the U.S. side of a small border town Roberto never knew his place. South of the border he was a Chicano, whereas in the cities north of his small town wetback was hollered at him on the daily. Roberto loved and embraced his colorful mexican culture but always had the feeling that he didn't deserve it. He felt phony. Roberto's family was also strictly catholic and found it hard to except his open sexuality. Roberto didn't know where he belonged but he longed for someone to just accept him as he was.

And someone did. Two people actually. Lil, Gwen, and Roberto excepted each other. They were more than friends. They were the safe haven. They were family.

Lil looked up. They had fallen so far behind she could no longer see Fili and Gwen.

"Alone at last." Gwen put on her best rape face as she turned to face Fili who looked genuinely alarmed.

"I'm messin' with ya." Gwen laughed.

Fili smiled at her. "I guess I wouldn't mind too much." He winked at her.

"I suppose that's supposed to be a compliment." Gwen laughed.

"I wouldn't mind at all." Fili confesses.

"I've heard worse insults that were intended to be compliments." Gwen snorted.

"I would love it, actually." Fili tried again.

"Ha." Gwen giggled. "Much better."

"I see that Gwen and Lil are getting all the tail, here." Roberto looked unimpressed.

"If someone could give me some courtesy flirting every once and a while, that would be much appreciated."

"You mean . . . One of us?" Kili asked, clearly confused.

"Kili." Roberto put his arm around Kili as if explaining something to a small child. "There are those of who butter one side of the bread, and there are those of us who butter the other."

"Right." Kili said still looking confused.

"So . . . . Which side do you butter?" Kili asked

"I, Kili," Roberto replied "butter both sides of the bread . . . I am just so selfless I feel it is my duty to share my godly sexiness with both genders and everything in between."


	4. Professor Wendell

The five companions had traveled well over a week. Fili and Kili were friendly and easy to talk to, the group had taken to them immediately. Lil and Rob were not use to this kind of travel but with Fili and Kili leading the way and providing food, they found that they could not complain too much.

Finally, Rob had to ask.

"Are we there yet?"

"A couple more days, I reckon." Kili said jovially.

Rob sighed.

"So there's a small brook down the way . . ." Gwen said.

"And . . . ?" Rob queried.

"We need to bathe."

"In a stream?" Rob looked unsettled.

"Yeah, Rob. I don't see any community bathhouses around here, do you?"

Rob grumbled under his breathe.

"Alright then. Ladies first." Gwen said as she and Lil headed towards the trees.

Rob, Kili, and Fili waited awkwardly as Lil and Gwen took their time bathing.

Rob tried to make small talk but Kili and Fili seemed too distracted by the sound of distant giggles and splashing. Rob suspected they hadn't been laid in quite a while.

"So . . . I hope what's left of the hike is fairly easy." Rob started.

"Uh . . . Yeah. I guess." Was Kili's response as he hungerly eyed the trees blocking the stream.

Rob sighed. Trying to converse with the two randy dwarves was becoming increasing frustrating.

Gwen and Lil couldn't get back soon enough. Finally they appeared from behind the trees, fully clothed. What skin was visible was glisteningly wet.

Fili and Kili looked disappointed, as if they had expected Lil and Gwen to return fully nude. Rob rolled his eyes.

"Ok, chaps." Rob broke them from their reveries. "I am going to wash a little further downstream." Rob valued his privacy.

"Why?" Kili asked tactlessly.

"Oh, I don't want to steal the spotlight from Lil and Gwen. You know what they say; once you go Mex you wont find better sex."

Fili and Kili looked dumbfounded.

"Roberto is a complete nympho." Gwen explained. "You could actually learn a thing or two from him. He knows how to please a woman." Gwen said confidently, then realized how her statement sounded. "I don't speak from personal experience, of course." Gwen stuttered, as her skin tone began to clash with her hair.

The hike was fairly pleasant over the next couple of days, and soon the last day of their quest was upon them.

"So who is this Radagast, anyhow?" Lil asked Kili.

"He's a wizard, I think. I've never met him." Kili confessed.

"Great." Said Lil, wondering if Greyham was sending them on another wild shroom chase.

Soon the company came upon a sort of tree house. Only, instead of the house being in the branches, like a normal treehouse, the tree's roots curled around it. The house seemed to be under the tree.

Suddenly a man emerged from the treehouse. Rob, Gwen, and Lil stared in surprise.

"Professor Wendell?" Lil asked incredulously.

"Miss Tohuia!" I've been expecting you three." Prof. Wendell smile at them.

"What is this, Hogwarts!?" Rob started "Why are all my Professors wizards!?"

"Not, Hogwarts. No, Mr. Oropeza."

"Next up!" Rob continued. "Mr. White, is secretly a Warlock!"

"Well, around here we call him Saruman the Wise."

"He's here too!" Gwen growled, disbelieving. "I have a fucking research paper due on Russia's role in World War I in his class! I thought the one good thing about being here was that I at least didn't have to worry about school."

"Don't worry about Mr. White. You wont be seeing him here anytime soon."

"Good."

"Now." Wendell continued. "You need to take this to Gandalf." He held out a small bag to Lil.

"Oh. And this." He fished another small pouch out of his robes. "I'm giving this to you, Ms. Tohuia. Oropeza and Daron would smoke it all. Don't think I haven't noticed your smoke sessions before class. You both reek every time you come in my classroom."

"Not as much as you and Greyham!" Gwen interjected indignantly. Rob snorted and then muttered something about "Where Greyham gets his stuff" and "Herbal remedies class" under his breath.

"Where are we going now?" Gwen asked as Prof. Wendell or "Radagast" lead them through the woods.

"He's leading us to the Elvenpath." Fili explained. "We'll follow it through the Greenwood, then wait for the rest of the company when we reach Dale."

"Yeah, ok. Sounds good." Gwen replied uneasily.

"Not as green as the name implies, is it?" Gwen mused.

They reached the Elvenpath at sundown (Though it was hard to tell the time in the dark forest). They camped on the path for the night as Wendell headed back to his tree.

The next few days were torturous. The air felt narcotizing and dulling to the senses. Gwen was becoming increasingly agitated which surprised everyone due to the fact that Gwen loved the outdoors more than any of them.

"This place isn't right!" Gwen shout finally. "It doesn't feel right. It doesn't looks right. It definitely doesn't smell right. I. Don't. Like. It." She stomped her foot to emphasize her displeasure.

"It's the only way, Gwenyth." Fili looked uncertain.

Gwen sighed and carried on. She had never felt this sort of discomfort in a forest. The only thing she could relate the feel to was an intuition. She was a regular hunter. She would sit in trees for hours on end waiting for prey. It always seemed like just when she was about to return home a deer would come cautiously out of the treeline. She would stiffen, perfectly still as she slowly lifted her rifle. The deer would walk. Raise its head. Walk a little further. Raise its head again. Then graze. That's how Gwen felt. Like a deer. Walking. Looking. Walking. Looking. Somehow knowing she wasn't alone. She was being watched. And Gwen was determined not to graze.

"Want a weapon. It's the only thing that will make me feel comfortable." Gwen said with finality.

"In fact, we should all be armed." She added crossing her arms

"Do you have training?" Fili asked, not too trilled at the prospect of handing weapons over to the three . . . Well, whatever they were. They were odd, to say the least.

"I am sufficient with a bow and rifle." Gwen replied. "And Rob's taken fencing lessons."

"Rifle? Fencing?" Kili asked, confused.

"Sword fighting. But with smaller swords. And less opponents." Gwen explained. Rob looked indignant.

"This is all I can give you." Fili said as he began to hand out various items of weaponry. Rob got a small sword. Gwen was handed a long dagger and a short dagger. Lil received two short daggers.

Gwen sighed. It would have to do.


	5. Jolly Little Elves

As the group made camp that night, Gwen's feeling of uneasy grew dramatically. Gwen tried to shrug it off and chalk it up to the dark of night with little success. Twice she thought she saw someone's sillouette in the trees beyond their camp site but at second glance there was on empty woodland. This concerned Gwen even more. A forest should never be this motionless or this silent, she thought. Gwen volunteered for the first watch, even through Fili's protest, reasoning that she could not sleep anyhow. Gwen settled at the base of a large oak a little way away from the camp. The fire would be a beacon to any predators. She scanned the trees as her companions slept. She noticed a change in the atmosphere. Though deathly silent, the forest felt . . . Alive. That's when she saw a flash of shadow move from one tree to the next, heading towards the camp.

"FILI! KILI! ROB-!" She shouted before a hand was clamped over her mouth and a rough cloth sack thrown over her head.

She could hear the sound of her companions fighting. From what she could hear, it wasn't going well for them. She heard an unfamiliar voice yell in pain, then Rob, "Nice one, Lil!"

If it hadn't been so terrifying Gwen would have laughed at the thought of Lil hurting someone.

Suddenly everything was silent, but the sound of muffled cries. The companions had been caught.

Gwen was promptly dragged to her feet and marched off.

After what seemed like an eternity of blindfolded marching Lil felt the air change around her and heard the sound of a slamming door. They were no longer in the forest. She could hear the hollow sound of boots on stone as they marched through a cold fortress. Suddenly they stopped. She heard soft voices communicating in a strange language. A soft, low voice surrounded the three companions.

"Uncover them." Was the command. The cloth sack had made Lil's hair a complete mess and was sticking up hazardously as the sack was removed from her head to reveal what had to be the sexiest hair commercial she had every witnessed. Seriously, she thought, this has to be some kind of hair porn.

A creature sat languidly before them, regarding them contemptuously. He looked human, except for his perfect skin and pointy ears. Plus, she was pretty sure he was glowing.

"What business do two Haradians, a soulless . . . Thing, and two dwarves have in my kingdom?" The blond man questioned them.

"Oh. Ha. I see they have that joke here too." Gwen was clearly unamused.

"FOR THE LAST TIME I AM FROM TONGA!" Bursted Lil angerly.

The blond turned his head at Lil's sudden outburst. "Tonga? Is this some province of Mordor that I am not aware of?"

"And, you." He flicked his hand at Rob. "You must be Haradian."

"Su madre es Haradian, pinche pendejo." Rob practically spat.

The man raised a thick eyebrow. "That is certainly not Haradian, nor any language I know of in this realm." He narrowed his eyes. "Where do you creatures hail from? Answer me!"

The group stared at the man in rebellious silence.

"Fine." The man looked at them coolly. Then turned to their captures giving a command in the same strange language they had used before. The companions were then promptly marched off and thrown into a cold dungeon cell.

"Impertinent prick!" Lil shouted.

"Perfidious bastard!" Gwen huffed.

"Hijo de la chingada!" Rob hissed.

"That's elves for you." Fili supplied, clearly amused at their surprise at the elves lack of hospitality.

"Elves? Did you just say . . . Elves?" Lil looked at Fili bewildered.

"Elves are supposed to be tiny, little, jolly folk who help you with household chores and making shoes!" She lamented.

"They aren't supposed to be lethal, inhospitable, fatheaded, tall, sensual, gorgeous, divine, sex gods!"

"Uh, Lil. Let's not repeat that, ok?" Gwen checked her friend. Lil sat down with a thump, clearly miserable.

Over the next few day each of them were pulled out of the cell and questioned separately. Lil was last.

"Just don't let his majestic beauty throw you off." Gwen reassured Lil as the guards led her to the throne room.

"Good evening." Lil greeted the Elven king sheepishly. Thranduil looked at her with surprise.

"Well, you must be the most polite out of the five of you. The red haired one wont say a word to me, neither will the dwarves nor your other friend. At least not in any language I have mastery over. Tell me, what is a puta madre?"

"Um . . . Well, it's not very flattering." Lil blushed, praying he wouldn't make her tell him.

"If I wanted to be flattered I would be questioning my advisors. Come. What does it mean." Thranduil commanded.

"It means motherfucker or something very close to that." Lil word vomited.

Thranduil raised an eyebrow. "Hmmmmm. I see. I am beginning to think your friend has simply been cursing at me the entire time."

"You would be correct in assuming that." Lil confirmed.

"Do you speak the same language?" He questioned.

Lil rolled her eyes.

"Ok. Listen here. Roberto is from Mexico. He speaks Spanish. I am from Tonga. These are two completely separate countries!"

"Hmmm." Thranduil considered this. "I've not heard of either."

"Of course you haven't." Lil huffed.

"I have a proposal." Thranduil began, lazily. "Tell me why you and your companions are here and depending on how much I like your answer, I will release you and your companions."

"I will tell you the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth." Lil recited.

"My companions and I live in Bree. We are travelling to Laketown because Gwen's aunt lives there and she is very ill. The dwarves are mercenaries we are paying to protect in case we ran into trouble. We payed them half their due when we set out and the other half will be given to them when we reach Laketown safely. I suspect I will have to dock this inconvenience out of their pay." Lil stopped to catch her breath, praying that the elf king would buy the story she just pulled out of her ass.

The elf king scanned Lil's face for any sign of betrayal. Lil put on her best innocent puppy dog face.

"You and your friends will be moved to my guest quarters until your story can be verified." He finally said after a long silence. Lil sighed in relief.


End file.
